Giving a toast or a short speech

The occasional speech is the kind most people are actually asked to give, and it is the kind least often prepared.

The length

Which is the single most important decision.

Three minutes for a toast. Five at the absolute outside for a wedding speech. Two for a birthday.

Nobody has ever complained that a toast was too short.

Which means writing it, timing it aloud, and cutting until it fits — since spoken delivery runs longer than reading, generally by a third.

Around 130 words per minute is a reasonable planning figure for occasion speaking, which is slower than conversational speed.

The structure

Which is standard and works.

Who you are and your connection to the person, in one sentence.

One story that illustrates something true about them.

What that story shows.

A wish or a statement about the future.

The toast itself, clearly signalled so people know to raise their glasses.

That is the whole thing, and it is enough.

Choosing the story

Which is where these succeed or fail.

One story, specific, short.

It should illustrate a quality that the room recognises, which is what produces the nods.

It should be comprehensible to people who were not there, which means minimal setup.

It should be affectionate rather than merely funny.

And it should not require the room to know anyone other than the subject.

Anecdotes that only three people in the room understand are the most common failure.

What to leave out

Firmly.

Anything embarrassing to the subject in front of their family.

Ex-partners.

Anything about drinking, at a wedding.

Inside jokes.

Lists of thanks that go beyond the necessary.

Anything you have not tested on someone else.

And anything you are including because it is funny rather than because it belongs.

Humour

Which is expected and is risky.

Warmth is more reliable than jokes, and lands with a wider range of people.

Self-deprecation is safe.

Gentle teasing of the subject is generally fine if the affection is unmistakable.

Anything at the expense of someone else in the room is not.

And if a joke requires you to explain the context, cut it.

Delivery

The practical points.

Have it written on cards, which is entirely acceptable and which prevents the memory failure that occurs under emotion.

Stand where the room can see you.

Wait for quiet rather than starting over conversation.

Speak more slowly than feels right, since adrenaline accelerates everyone.

Look up regularly.

And say the toast line clearly: "please raise your glasses to…"

Managing emotion

Which is common and is not a failure.

Pause and breathe rather than pushing through, which makes it worse.

A drink of water is a legitimate use of ten seconds.

The room is entirely sympathetic and will wait.

Practising aloud several times reduces it substantially, since much of the emotion comes from the material being fresh.

And putting the most emotional line near the end rather than the start means you get through the rest first.

The leaving speech

A different occasion.

Specific rather than general: what the person actually did, with an example.

Brief thanks by name, and only to those who genuinely require naming.

No performance review, positive or otherwise.

An acknowledgement of what changes with their absence.

And a wish for what comes next.

Three minutes, and the room will remember it better than a ten-minute one.

Being asked at short notice

Which happens.

Take two minutes and write three bullet points: your connection, one story, one wish.

Keep it to ninety seconds.

Speak slowly.

End on the toast clearly.

An improvised short speech that is warm and brief is better received than a long prepared one, which is a useful thing to know in advance.

Writing it down

The practical process, which takes twenty minutes.

Write everything you might say, without editing, which will be far too long.

Choose the one story.

Cut everything else.

Write the opening line and the closing line in full, and leave the middle as three prompts.

Read it aloud with a timer, and cut again if it exceeds three minutes.

Then copy it onto cards in large writing, numbered.

The day itself

Small things that go wrong and are preventable.

Know when you are speaking, and confirm it with whoever is running the event, since orders change.

Do not drink much beforehand, which is the most common regret.

Keep the cards on you rather than at your seat.

Find out whether there is a microphone and whether it works.

And eat something, since speaking on an empty stomach after a long day makes the nerves considerably worse.